My Reflection

Photo by Keegan Houser on Pexels.com

Looking Back On 42 Years

For the last 42 years I have spent from Oct 1 to Oct 31, reflecting on the year before. During the years that end with an “8”, since I was 18, I have reflected on the previous decade. 0-18 was full of conflict and trying to be someone I wasn’t. 18 to 28 was full of trying to figure out who I was, and adding to my heart love I didn’t know was possible through my gifts from God: my children, but it was also a decade of a lot of loss. It was also the decade I came to really know the Lord. 28 to 38 came a decade of change of directions in many areas, such as: education (went for my degree), changed locations (not really a new thing but it added to the decade), change in careers, changes in relationships, but most importantly finally finding ME. 38 to 48 was a decade of experimentation, mostly failures, that I managed to turn into positive experiences, though those experiences had nothing to do with the original experiment.

The Last 11 Years

48 to 59 has been 11 years of drastic everything. Bringing the decade before to a completion of experiments to a close and finally accepting that I am better off single, struggling with trying to let my children be the strong, wonderful adults that they are and not being the momma lion ready to jump in at a moments notice and being Mommy (we never stop being a parent, but letting your children be their own adult is not an easy thing to do when they have been all you have lived for for over 20 years. It’s a serious struggle to hold yourself behind a barrier that you would really rather just bust through, burn, destroy…get rid of).

It’s been a decade of frustration, having to let dreams go, and finding other ways to achieve some dreams earlier than was planned (such as taking a job that takes me to all of the states I wanted to visit after I retired, instead of waiting to do it when I retired). It’s been a decade of adventure. It’s been a decade of seriousness with two on death’s door experiences, 3 disabilities changing the complete course I had laid out for the rest of my life. It’s been a decade of major adjustments. Adjustments to life plans, adjustments to my attitude about those changes (it’s really hard for a go go go workaholic to suddenly have to stop and learn moderation). It’s been a decade of learning that there really are seasons to friendships, and even the longest of friendships will sometimes come to an end, though I would have preferred them to end differently than they had. In going through all of these adjustments it has also been a decade of finding what was hidden from me my entire life.

Saying Good-bye To My 50s

The start to my 2^nd half century has been as full as my first half century of life, just in very different ways than what was planned or even expected. And now, as I begin the last 7 days of my 50s, preparing to say good-bye to 59 and hello to 60. I am thankful for the blessings in my life, including the disappointments (which turned out to be blessings in disguise). I’m thankful that even though I have given up on myself so many times throughout my life that God remained faithful to me and NEVER gave up on me. I’m thankful that He blessed me with the gift of my children and my awesome grandchildren. I’m thankful that He blessed me with the gift of a mother’s love that I had never known in my life before this last decade. I’m thankful for the friendships that I have gained in this last decade, even the ones that didn’t last. I’m thankful that He has blessed me with the ability to bless others and that I am still blessed to be able to continue to do that.

Saying Hello To My 60s

As I move forward into 60, I am going with no expectations. I’m just going to let happen whatever happens, and embrace every moment as the gift that it is, something I think I should have done all along.